To anyone who doesn’t know me, I have been married for 26 years. My husband and I have three children and one brand new granddaughter. (Ask me, I have pictures) My husband and I had a semi-unstable marriage but for the most part we made it work. When our children left home, I was left trying to figure out what my purpose in life was. My husband couldn’t fill in the gaps that my children had once encompassed and I was not dealing well with the “Empty Nest,” syndrome. My marriage was crashing and burning around me. I had never felt more alone in my entire life. I do have to say, this is not stated because I am trying to make my children or my husband feel guilty. I don’t know where the phrase came from but it’s one of my favorites. “Your job as a parent is to teach your children how to leave you.” You really need to understand and fully live that statement. Your children may grow up and move across town, the country, or God forbid, the world. But, when and if they do, it’s because you are an amazing parent who gave them the skills and security to not only survive, but to grow and make the world a better place. They have left you, because you did your job! Sorry to any parents out there with a 30 something child living in your basement… This is not to say it doesn’t hurt like hell because it does. It rips a part of you away and it is a very slow healing process. Now add on to this, a marriage with an ever widening gap.

I am now going to list the ways that I screwed up and got myself into this mess: Everyone had goals and ambitions in high school. Mine were to get married and have children. I lived and breathed for my children. I did not actively pursue and work for my marriage even though I loved my husband desperately. I withdrew from him and threw myself even more completely into the lives of my children. I did not communicate my needs in a clear or appropriate manner. I left almost all friends behind because they would take away from time with my family. I allowed myself to become unhappy. I lost my “Self.”

As you have probably noticed, I did not list anything that my husband did wrong. That is because, I am only in control of myself and my happiness. This is a blame-free zone. I want to focus for a moment on my last statement in my list. I had lost my “Self.” I had lost my identity and had become completely absorbed into my family. “I,” no longer existed. I had deferred to my children and husband for so long that I had no idea what I even liked or wanted anymore. Before I could work on my marriage I had to work on myself. I had to figure out who I was, and what I wanted out of the rest of my life now that all of my “lofty,” (heavy dose of sarcasm) goals were achieved… Now mind you, I have a Master’s degree so I didn’t sit around and completely dissolve into my family. But I felt as if I did. I was very lost and unsure of my next step. I needed to find out if I even liked the person that I had become. I decided to start out on a 6 day adventure on my own…including my trusty 6 pound side kick, Brutus, my dog. We travelled all over Michigan, including Mackinaw Island and the Upper Peninsula. We almost died a couple of times but that’s another story. The point is…I had a blast! I didn’t think this was possible. I did what I wanted, ate what and when I wanted, and slept when I wanted. It was amazing and life changing. There’s nothing like a little time alone for some serious soul searching. I have slowly begun to take more chances, try things I normally wouldn’t and to finally settle into some wonderful friendships. I am closer to my circle of friends than I ever have been.

As for my marriage, we began counseling and started to focus on healing and rediscovering one another. We also had to discover what we liked and what we wanted out of our relationship. So many people talk about how their spouse needs to change and what their spouses are doing wrong. I am not saying that they aren’t correct but, you can’t control their actions and behaviors. The only thing that you have control over is your own. This is not to say that you should take the blame for all of the problems in a relationship. I am saying that it is wasted effort and energy to worry about what someone else needs to do when you could use that energy to work on yourself and your own happiness. “You,” are the only thing that you have when it boils down to it and “you,” are the only variable in life that you have control over. I believe if you change yourself, the world will change around you. And if it doesn’t, it may be time to move on.

Challenge yourself to spend quality alone time! I’m not talking about hanging out at your house where you are tempted to clean, play games on the computer, etc. Get a hotel room for a night. Spend the day at the beach. Take a book and a bottle of wine.  It is honestly a very liberating experience. Take care of yourself first even if you have children, and or a spouse. So many women feel trapped in relationships because they don’t want to be alone. That is not a reason to stay. I felt the same way. One of the things I wanted to find out was, could I make it on my own? Could I enjoy life without someone beside me to share it with? The answer for me was yes I could, which freed me up from that weight and allowed me to see that I truly wanted to stay, I didn’t need to.

Is life perfect? Is there a fairy tale ending? Absolutely not! Marriage is still hard, dirty, sometimes unappreciated work. We still stink at communication and back slide way too often, but the point is, we are still constantly working on our marriage. Sometimes the only opportunity we get to see each other is if I schedule a Date Night or some other type of event. Date Night’s are a fantastic opportunity to show someone that you care enough about them to go that extra step. Since communication isn’t our strong suit, I use my Date Night’s to convey how important my husband is to me and how important our marriage is. And the best thing is, I have a blast doing them:-)

Our most recent Date Night was entitled, (yes they have titles:-)) Drive In Movie. I created a Drive In Theater in my backyard. I set up some comfy furniture with loads of pillows, a bed in the back of my van using an inflatable mattress, a projector, a big screen, tons of snacks, of course popcorn, several movie choices and a vast assortment of beverages. A perfect romantic night with my man!